My Story

Hi, I’m Jacob and I’m a sex addict. I’ve been sober for about five months.

Today, I want to share a bit of background.

I was born as the last child in a typical American family. My father was born dirt-poor but was successful in his work and a rising star in his company. My mother was all but a debutante and came from a rather well-off family. They were happily married, for the most part anyway.

I’m still “unpacking” my family and upbringing, but for now I’ll just say that even though my family was seemingly “normal”, I came away lacking intimacy, connection and nurturing. While I was the family “Golden Child”, most of the time I felt like a complete failure. There was a big hole inside of me, an emptiness that needed filling (spoiler alert: that’s a huge factor in addiction).

When I started dating, my relationships were pretty normal, I guess, but I quickly bored with them. Just when I would get to know a young lady, I would pull away. I was always looking for something different or better.

In mid-college, my relationships turned sexual. Not all of them were overtly sexual, but inside I always hoped they would become so. Sexual intimacy would fill my needs (at least I thought so) for a brief period, followed immediately by intense shame. That shame would eventually pass, the emptiness would return and I’d seek sexual contact again.

Once out of college, my search for something to fill my emptiness continued. Even though I was in church three times a week, spirituality never filled the void (again, don’t judge me – I sure thought I was spiritual). I was always searching for a new relationship to make me whole.

I visited a friend and his wife in another city and they set me up with a gal with whom I had a two-night stand. I barely remember her first name, let alone anything else about her. She wasn’t someone I would ever have been interested in outside of the bedroom. There was an intense thrill followed immediately by the worst shame I’d ever felt. Thrill, shame, pulling away, then the dog returns to his vomit. Those two days were a microcosm of my life in general.

Lest you think I had hundreds of partners, let me say I may have been sexual with about a dozen women, and wished I could have been with several more. As if that somehow makes a difference. As if those who have more than a dozen partners are worse than I am. No, it doesn’t matter. I left a dozen or more victims of sexual addiction behind me. That’s what matters.

There’s more background to share later, but here’s what looking back at my life has shown me so far.

I was looking for sexual relationships to fill my emptiness. For sexual contact to provide the intimacy and nurturing I desperately needed. If a woman would be sexual with me, then she could stand to be with me, at least for a brief time, and I would be whole. Afterwards, the shame would set in and again I was worthless or “less than” – even more so than before. And then the pain of that shame would require “medication” and lead to more of the same.

That, dear reader, is the cycle of addiction. Much more to say about that in future posts.

For now, I’ll close by saying that I feel better about myself today as a proclaimed sex addict than I ever did before. I’m learning that I’ve been covering up my shame with unproductive behavior, rather than facing it head-on. Facing that shame and emptiness is what I have to do.

Thanks for walking with me on this journey.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)