Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. I’ve been sober for seven and a half months.
I’m behind in telling my story.
Several weeks ago, I met with my sponsor, Dan (not his real name), to go through my Step One work. It took me a while to get there. I think I’ve already covered that, but a quick summary is probably in order.
Step One is all about admitting that you are powerless over your addiction. My self-righteous inner self pushed back at that concept, as I spoke to a few posts back. Admitting powerlessness sounded like a cop out to me. I would just try harder.
But as I went through the worksheets associated with Step One in one of my workbooks, my rational self became the Prosecuting Attorney in the case of the People v. Jacob The Addict (detailed in OK, I’m Finally There). As Prosecutor, I amassed an enormous amount of evidence that proved beyond doubt that the Defendant (my addict self) was indeed powerless over his addiction. Powerless to stop, powerless to change and powerless to heal. Once presented with that evidence the Addict capitulated.
I’ve also spoken about the deconstruction of my faith that took place on a parallel track (Deconstructing My Faith – Part I and Deconstructing My Faith – Part II). This was also necessary, since the faith that I had was of little to no help in dealing with my addictive behavior and the shame that accompanied it.
When I met with Dan to go through my Step One work, I shared with him the discoveries that I’ve made in myself: the case I’d built against the addict, the deconstruction of my faith and stark assessment of what I believe and why. And the realization that I am powerless over SIN. And SIN just happens to be most pronounced in my life as sex addition.
So, I told Dan that I was, indeed, powerless over my addiction and that my life had certainly become unmanageable. And only two things matter at this point:
- God loves me because of WHO HE IS, not because of who I am or am not, or what I do or don’t do, and
- Jesus came to earth to do for me what I could never do for myself
With that, Dan told me I had completed Step One. But then he went further. He asked if I remember the parable of the Ninety-Nine and the One. The story of the Shepherd who left the 99 sheep that were safe to go in search of the one that was lost. I told him that I did remember it.
Then he said: “You are the ONE.”
Chills ran down my spine as I gradually understood the gravity of what Dan said. You see, every time I had read that story in the past, it was always about the Loving Shepherd who went after that wayward sheep, while I hung back with the other 98, lazing around eating green grass. The story was never about me.
But as I reflected on what Dan said, it hit me that I was the wayward sheep and that Jesus came looking for ME. And HE FOUND ME. I genuinely felt FOUND for the first time in my life.
Isn’t it funny how in order to be FOUND, I had to get to the point where I realized that I was LOST. That’s how God works.
As long as I was driving the bus, God was not going to intervene. When I thought I was in control, He stayed back. When I crashed and burned, He stepped in to rescue me. And He did it via Step One of the Twelve Steps.
He does move in mysterious ways. And He’s waiting for you.
Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)
Jacob The Addict 