Tag: Powerless

When Jacob Met Jade

My name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex addict. I’ve been sober for a little over 18 months.

Recovery from addiction entails investigating and unearthing the whats, whys and whos of one’s life. What happened, what impact those things had, why they had the impact they did and who was involved and/or impacted.

In this process, it can be helpful to revisit, though not relive, particularly significant acting-out episodes. Some of these episodes involve addictive behavior that borders on the insane. Yet there can be a lot to learn from those events. Care must be taken, however, lest the remembering and revisiting become triggering.

The story of my involvement with Jade is one of the most significant and saddening episodes of my addiction. I share it here because its telling may give me freedom from the shame I still carry. No one has ever heard the full extent of this story. I guess this is a practice run for ultimately sharing it with my sponsor.

I met Jade through one of my best friends from college. Tom (not his real name) and his wife Traci (not her real name) had invited me to spend the weekend at their home in a city several hundred miles away from mine.

I left work early on a Friday and drove the six hours or so to get to their place. We had arranged to meet for dinner at a particular restaurant when I hit town. When I saw Tom and Traci, there was an unexpected third person with them. Seems that they had arranged a surprise blind date for me with a friend of theirs named Jade (not her real name).

While a surprise blind date arranged by a college friend may sound titillating, I had absolutely no attraction whatsoever to Jade. She was average in most every way. Not pretty, not shapely, not vivacious – nothing. As I recall, she was skinny and waif-like and had crooked teeth. But, not wanting to be rude or a party pooper, I accepted that she was to be my date for dinner.

After leaving the restaurant, the four of us went by Jade’s house (she lived with her parents), where she picked up some clothes. Somewhere along the way, I learned that she, too, would be spending the night at Tom and Traci’s house. And, yes, I was so naive that I could not see what was being arranged.

We got back to Tom and Traci’s and all stayed up for a while. Maybe we watched a movie, maybe we drank a few beers, not sure. I do know that I wasn’t drunk, and whatever wits a twenty-something guy has, I had them about me.

Tom announced that he and Traci were going to bed, leaving Jade and me alone in the den. I don’t remember any conversation between us other than me saying: “I guess we’re sleeping in the same bed.” as a half-statement, half-question. She replied in the affirmative.

Still extraordinarily naive and unattracted to Jade, I got ready for bed. She changed into a cheap, flimsy nightgown. We got in bed and turned out the lights.

Let’s pause the story for a minute to reflect on a few things.

First, I had planned this trip to see Tom for a month or so and was eager to see him and Traci. So a surprise blind date was a bit frustrating.

Secondly, while not as pure as the driven snow and by no means a virgin, I was not in the habit of going to bed with women within a few hours of meeting them.

And third, there had always been some physical and/or sexual attraction involved in previous sexual encounters. Yet here I was, in bed with a total stranger I wasn’t even attracted to. And you are already imagining the rest of the story.

With a warm-blooded, available young woman lying next to me, it didn’t take long for male hormones to kick in. I guess every available lover looks good in the dark. What few clothes we had on were quickly shed and we went at it.

I was by no means an experienced lover, having been sexual with only a few women before Jade. She, however, knew her way around a man. From a purely sexual standpoint, it was amazing.

But 15 seconds after orgasm, all I wanted was to get away. Shame flooded over me like a river of raw sewage. I didn’t want her to touch me and edged as far away as possible. Thankfully, sleep came quickly, temporarily releasing me from the burden of guilt and shame.

When I woke up the next morning, Jade was still there. It hadn’t been a dream. I had sex with the complete stranger next to me. I could not wait to get in the shower and wash off every bit of filth I felt on me.

It would be great if the story ended here with me giving Jade a hug, saying some kind words about our time together, promising to write or call, then driving away. We could go straight to lessons learned. But that’s not what happened.

Tom and Traci had planned for the four of us to spend all day Saturday at a nearby amusement park. Jade was excited at the plan and telegraphed her pleasure at spending the day with me. I was not so happy and had to fake an entire day of acting like I enjoyed being with her.

After we finished at the park, I offered to make dinner, so we went to the grocery store to pick up what was needed. The four of us worked together on the meal and had a tolerable dinner.

After dinner, we probably watched a movie, and drank a few beers. Then Tom and Traci went to bed and Jade and I repeated the previous night’s sexual escapade. The result? More shame. More filthy feeling. More guilt.

As I look back on that second night, it was almost robotic. Go to bedroom. Turn off lights. Take off clothes. Get in bed. Have intercourse. Ejaculate. Feel shame. Pull away. Go to sleep. No emotion. No attachment. No closeness. Just virtually anonymous sex. And shame.

When Sunday morning came, I again wanted nothing but to take a shower and try to get clean. To scrub every touch, every kiss, every act, every vestige of Jade from my body.

When I finished my shower, I couldn’t pack my suitcase fast enough. I just wanted to be gone. After thanking my hosts and fumbling through some placating words to Jade, I made my exit. I could not wait to get away and get home. I left Jade behind, but the shame made the trip home with me.

For a good many years, I kept that episode stored away as a somewhat gross and sleazy, yet amazing, sexual encounter. It was a notch on my bedpost – a conquest – just not one I talked about with anyone. Including Tom, who was as aware as anyone could be about the whole affair.

The only exchange Tom and I ever had about the issue was just before the next trip to see him a few months later. I asked him if he could guarantee that I wouldn’t see anyone I didn’t want to see. I couldn’t even speak to him about it or mention her name. His response to my comment was loaded. Something like: “Yeah, Traci and I had to cut ties with her. Things got a little too close.” Certainly enough to make one think.

So, that’s it. My most sordid tale. The most shameful episode in my life. With that story told, I’m hopeful that I can let go of the shame.

Now for some lessons learned. Until I started recovery, my thoughts about the incident were all focused on me. Here’s a sample:

  • I can’t believe I had sex with a total stranger. I don’t even know her last name.
  • I can’t believe I had unprotected sex with her. She could have gotten pregnant or I could have gotten an STD.
  • She wasn’t even pretty. Certainly not up to my standards.
  • There was no emotional connection. Just sex.

But after beginning recovery and starting work on the 12 Steps (especially Step Four, the fearless moral inventory), my thoughts have changed:

  • What happened to my moral values? Why would I abandon them all in a heartbeat for anonymous sex? I didn’t resist at all.
  • I used another human being solely for my own pleasure and then discarded her. In today’s vernacular, I “ghosted” Jade. Never again spoke to or about her.
  • What trauma had Jade experienced in her life that led her to the place where she gave herself away for sex with a stranger? Was it the only way that she could gain a man’s attention? What pain was she trying to cover up?
  • How did it feel for her to be discarded by yet another man after he’d taken what she had to offer and left? How many other men used her the way I did? Don’t get me wrong, she was the initiator and an active participant in the sexual escapade. But I greedily took what she offered and gave nothing but a cold shoulder in return.
  • Was she, like me, using sex as an empty substitute for the love she never got from her father or mother? Was she seeking comfort or validation or anything that felt remotely like love and acceptance? If she was, she didn’t get anything like that from me.
  • How could I have done what I did to a young woman who was made in the image of the God I serve? Regardless of where she had been or what she had done to that point, she was a daughter of God. And I violated her.
  • What scars did my rejection of everything but her sexual favors leave on her? Where did life take her after I was done with her? Where is she now? Was she able to break free and get healthy?
  • Can I reach a place where I can be free of the shame from that event?

This has weighed in my mind a lot lately. I’ll get past the shame with God’s help. I know that He’s forgiven me, but I must still work through the aftermath. I’m thankful that He’s given me eyes to see the damage I left in the wake of my addiction. I’m thankful that He’s helping me develop empathy for those I hurt along the way. What I see and feel is not pretty or enjoyable, but it is a necessary part of dealing with what I’ve done.

As always, thanks for visiting. And thanks for listening to this – the ugliest part of my story. It has been cathartic to get it out.

Blessings, Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Step Two

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my last post. I’m past one year of sobriety.

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged here. Things have been busy, crazy, enlightening, sad, joyful, stressful … all in all, remarkable. The past year has been the best worst year of my life. There is so much to share, but today I’m going to focus on Step Two.

If you recall, it took me a long time to get to Step One, powerlessness. Admitting that I’m powerless over this addiction took accepting that admitting powerlessness wasn’t a cop-out or a “hall pass”, i.e. “I’m powerless over this, so why even try to stop?” It’s far more than that.

It’s about admitting that my attempts to control the things in my life and deal with this addiction have resulted in disaster. Powerlessness is about surrender. Giving up control. Admitting that my attempts have been unable to control anything.

If I’m powerless to fix this or deal with my addiction, now what? Where’s the hope? Is there any? Or am I just doomed to live a self-destructive life?

Step Two of the Twelve Steps speaks directly to this:

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

I’ve read that the definition of insanity is “doing the same things over and over, expecting a different result”. That also defines addiction. Doing over and over things you don’t want to do, each time expecting that thing to “fix it”.

With powerlessness comes an understanding that I can’t fix it. It’s going to take a Power greater than me to affect any real change in my life. It’s that simple.

I believe in God. Always have. I responded to “the invitation” when I was 12 years old and was baptized for the remission of my sins.

Actually, I was terrified of Hell and wanted to escape God’s wrath. I knew right from wrong and realized that I had sinned, violating God’s holiness. I knew I needed saving. But I knew nothing of a real relationship with God. After all, how do you have a relationship with an angry, distant Being who finds pleasure in striking sinners dead?

So, while I’ve always believed in God, I’ve never really known Him. And I’ve never really trusted Him, other than to destroy me if I stepped out of line. I’ve been afraid of Him all my life.

Step Two says that I will come to believe that God can restore me to sanity. I firmly believe that God can do ANYTHING. I have always believed that. The problem for me, however, has always been “why would He do something for ME?”

That makes Step Two all about TRUST. Trust that a Higher Power will do something for just for me, something that I can’t do for myself. It means trusting God, when I’ve been unable to really trust anyone in my life.

The step workbook I’m using asked me to list all the people in my life that was able to trust in my formative years. The prompts suggested the following categories: parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, teachers, coaches, ministers, etc. I pondered that question for hours and the list I came up with consisted, in its entirety, of only three people: my two sisters and my high school English teacher.

Just those three. Mom was unpredictable. Dad was absent. My aunts and uncles were dysfunctional. My minister was judgmental. My Boy Scout Leader was an escaped Nazi war criminal. There was no one else I could go to.

So I stuffed my fears, frustrations and anxieties and started looking for love – in all the wrong places, it seems. Looking for someone to soothe my inner pain and make me a whole person. And when a woman was not available, porn and masturbation filled the void.

As I’ve mentioned, that approach didn’t solve any problems and made things much worse. My life had truly become unmanageable.

So, now I’m faced with the reality that I need God more than ever ( actually, I’ve always needed Him this much; I just wouldn’t see it). How do I trust Him enough now to let him help me?

As I’ve written previously, I’ve come to understand that God loves me because of Who He Is and not because of who I am or am not, or what I do or don’t do. With an understanding of His unconditional and unrelenting love, I think I can do it. I now find myself wanting a relationship with Him, rather than trying to run away and hide.

It’s been a long road, but I now firmly believe that God can and will restore me to sanity. It’s not something I can do for myself. I now see Him working in every facet of my life. From the insight He has given me into what makes me tick, the many fellow travelers that He has placed in my life and the daily help of His Spirit to stay away from addictive behaviors, He is changing me.

And I haven’t even gotten to Step Three! That will be the subject of my next post.

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

A Quick Update

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober a little over eight months.

Thus far in my recovery, I’ve collected a lot of “nuggets” of recovery wisdom from the guys in my Twelve-Step Program. Some are from guys who have been in the program for years and some are from guys who are brand-new at this thing called recovery.

Anyway, these “nuggets” have meant a lot to me and I hope they will be valuable for you. I’ve added them to a “page”, rather than a “post”, since I’ll be updating them as I hear new ones. The page is linked in the main menu in the upper right. But you can also find it here:

Nuggets of Recovery Wisdom

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

OK, I’m Finally There

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my very first post.

I’m hoping this is the last time I’ll write about getting to powerless. But I need to share my final inventory with you. Or, perhaps better said, the case I’ve been building against myself.

And here it is. The list of things I’m powerless over.

  • The dysfunction in my family of origin.
  • The addictions and abuses of other members of my extended family.
  • The codependency I developed with my Mother.
  • The pain caused by my Dad’s emotional absence.
  • The hurt I carried away from my home life.
  • The feeling that I’m “less than” … less than just about everything.
  • The drive to prove myself over and over and over again.
  • The addiction I turned to to numb the pain I’ve felt for so very long.
  • The constant acting out, swearing to myself and to God that I’d never do it again, then returning to that behavior in short order.
  • The long list of broken, dysfunctional relationships I had before I met Amy.
  • The hurt and betrayal that I’ve caused my dear wife, Amy,
  • The harm that I’ve caused to others who were objects of my addiction or were victims of collateral damage.
  • The emotional harm I’ve caused my kids by my failure to be present in their lives.
  • The numbness I feel from day to day.
  • The anger and rage that lies buried deep inside.
  • Sin.

And then, there’s the acceptance that my life is unmanageable. Here are a few clues that might be the case.

  • I lost touch with my God; how long ago, I cannot say.
  • I lost touch with Amy, my soulmate, a long time ago.
  • I lost touch with my adult children.
  • I lost touch with the few friends I have.
  • I all but lost touch with my siblings.
  • I lost touch with my church family.
  • I let this addiction take over my soul, reaching the point that I don’t care what might happen.
  • The only thing I never really let get out of control is my work, and the fact that is true proves I’m messed up.

So, that’s the case Jacob the Sane presents against Jacob the Addict.

The prosecution rests its case, feeling it has proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Jacob the Addict is powerless and is living a life that is unmanageable.

Men and women of the jury, what say ye?

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

I Think I’m Powerless

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. By the grace of God, I’m still sober.

My last post was about “powerless-ness” and how hard it is for me to get there. But I think I’m almost there.

Recently, I was listening to my sponsor talk about his past (“telling his story” – an important part of the realization and recovery process) and a great deal of what he said resonated with me.

He talked about how many times in his life he had purchased pornography (magazines, movies, etc.), used them for self-gratification, then destroyed them all, swearing he’d never do it again. Then find himself at the magazine shop or video rental place buying more.

Last time, I gave you a list of the evidence in the case I’m building against myself related to being powerless over this addiction. When I made that list, I had not even considered what Dan was talking about.

I cannot begin to count the number of times in my life that I’ve done exactly the same thing: bought magazines or movies, downloaded images, watched online porn, etc., “used” them, then destroyed them (or the browsing history leading back to them), swearing that THIS would be the last time.

Then a few days later (hours, sometimes), find myself desperately trying to find the same material I had just destroyed.

I’ve tried willpower, web filters (with a friend serving as my “parent”), accountability partners, encouraging notes to myself, scripture, “white knuckling it” – you name it. And nothing has ever kept me clean. NOTHING.

Now, my prayers for forgiveness immediately following acting out have almost always been genuine. I’ve asked the Lord to “create in me a new heart” so many times that He knows what I’m going to say long before I approach Him (He does anyway).

My point is this. Each new personal discovery, or challenge to remember the past, or hearing of a fellow addict’s story helps me understand even more how futile my effort to stay clean has been. If I’ve tried for decades to beat this and have only managed to get deeper in this hole I’ve dug, then I must certainly be powerless over it.

And, by the way, the “it” in my case is pornography and sex with self, but the more general term is “sin”.

I am therefore POWERLESS over sin, regardless of how it manifests itself within me. I am powerless over this addiction to sex, regardless how it may present itself at any particular time.

I need help from God Himself to change anything about me or this addiction. He is my only hope of becoming a whole human being, one that is useful to Him. I’m glad I can finally say that and really mean it.

Thanks for reading.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Getting to Powerless-ness

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. I recently passed six months sober. I’m working on admitting that I’m powerless.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Step One of the Twelve Steps is:

We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t much like the word “powerless”. It sounds wimpy and weak. It sounds a bit whiny. In some ways, it sounds like a cop-out, as in “Yeah, I’m addicted to sex, but I’m powerless against it, so I’ll keep doing whatever I want because I’m powerless.”

I like to think that I’m powerful enough to manage my own affairs. I’ve never been a “power freak” by any means, but just powerful enough to take care of myself. On the flip side, to admit to be powerless sounds a lot like failure to me.

Maybe that makes me a control freak. I do like to be in control and drive the bus. I think I’ve done a pretty good job, thank you. I have a great family. I have a great job. I’ve been successful.

Except for the fact that I’m sex addict. And have been for decades. And while trying to not be an addict, I keep going right back to the same behaviors.

  • I get angry, I act out.
  • I get sad, I act out.
  • I get lonely, I act out.
  • I get scared, I act out.
  • I get euphoric, I act out.

Looking at that, it appears that when most anything happens in my life, I act out. Maybe that is powerless after all.

And then there’s the baggage I carry around from a long time ago.

I’ve been working with Hank (not his real name), my counselor, on identifying past traumas. Things that I didn’t really identify as trauma at the time because I was a kid. But as an adult looking back on them, they were traumatic because adults treated a kid that way.

In the exercise we’ve been working on, I went through all my past traumatic experiences and identified: 1) the roles I played in my family of origin, and 2) the unwritten rules that existed in our family. Then, reflecting on those, I was to write the mission statement of our family as I must have understood it.

Here are some highlights:

  • Keep Mom happy
  • Don’t express negative emotions
  • Love is conditional
  • Protect the family name
  • Be perfect
  • Work hard
  • You must out-success your Father
  • You are a bad judge of character
  • You may not act independently of Mom

I don’t have time for the backstory here, but all of those are spoken in my Mom’s voice. She was larger than life. She was in control. She was nurturing and explosive at the same time. Crossing her was dangerous.

She’s been dead for a while but I’ve still been living in her shadow. I’m seeing that as it is for the first time in my life. But it’s hard to deal with.

So how do you break the addictive cycle I started out with above, PLUS deal with all the baggage I carry around from my childhood? I think I’m coming up on the answer.

Here it is: You Don’t

You want to know why? Because I am powerless to change any of those things by myself. And that’s not a cop-out. That’s an absolute fact.

So, maybe I’m coming up on Step One. Maybe I am powerless after all. I do know that my life has become unmanageable. And I’m ready for things to change.

I’ll be sharing all of what I’ve shared here with my Sponsor, Dan (not his real name), and see what he thinks. Maybe I’m ready to start “working the steps”.

I pray that someone out there reads this and finds hope. That’s the only reason I’m baring my own soul here.

Blessings,

Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Brokenness

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my last post.

If you know anything about 12-Step programs and the steps themselves, then you probably know that Step One reads like this (modified for sex addiction):

“We admitted we were powerless over sex addiction— that our lives had become unmanageable.”

That may seem like a pretty simple thing to do – admit that one is powerless over one’s addiction. But it’s not.

Human nature says that I can beat this if I just try harder. Never mind the fact that I’ve tried for decades to overcome this by myself, without success.

I’ve read self-help books on overcoming pornography and I’ve implemented their recommendations. Then I’ve white-knuckled through several years of not acting out, only to relapse.

I’ve had accountability partners that I’ve promised to check in with. And I’ve forgotten about them or misled them into thinking I was OK when I wasn’t – and relapsed.

Nothing has worked for more than one or two years. Eventually, the stress or the pain or the anger or the whatever gets bad enough that I return to my drug of choice.

You can probably read what I just wrote and say: “That sounds like ‘powerless’ to me.” But for me, saying I’m “powerless” feels like a cop-out. It feels like I’m looking for (or claiming) an excuse.

Part of my problem is that I was “raised in church”. I’ve gone to church since I was born. When I responded to the “invitation” or the “altar call” when I was 12, it was out of fear, rather than surrender.

For many years, I’ve tried to work my way into God’s favor. And most days, I felt like I was carrying about 60% of the load and just needed Jesus to “top me off” with the other 40%. That attitude is a long, long way from surrender.

I hate to say it, but my church upbringing actually stands in the way of my surrender in Step One. You see, I’m a pretty good person, all in all, and God is pretty lucky to have me on His team. Again, that is a very long way from surrender.

Thankfully, the work toward Step One requires serious reflection on all the things I’ve done, all the places I’ve been, all the times I’ve tried to stop my addictive behavior and all the times I, like the dog in Proverbs, have returned to the vomit.

Looking at the many situations I’ve written about in my step work, it becomes very obvious that there’s a dysfunctional pattern. And the weight of evidence seems to indicate that I’m unable to stop my acting out.

With that said, I’m getting closer to surrender every day. It’s a scary thought to finally yield my will to God’s, approach Him with empty hands and bowed head, and say “Lord, I got nothin’.” But as one of my readings said recently, its time for me to get out of God’s way and let Him lead me where He wants me. After all, He made me and knows how I’m wired.

When I get there, it will be the first time in my life I’ve truly surrendered my will to God’s. Its high time I stopped trying to control everything. After all, its quite easy to see what a fine job I’ve done in screwing things up til now.

May God grant me the humility to yield my will to His.

Best, Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)