Addiction – Jacob The Addict

Trauma Narratives vs. God Narratives

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for three years, four months and 14 days.

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything here. Things have been incredibly busy, with so much going on that I just haven’t found time to share.

My wife, Amy (not her real name) has been digging deep and unpacking a lot of trauma that I’ve caused her over our many years of marriage. I’m very proud of her for her hard work, but going through the conflict that I avoided all those years really sucks. More on that in a separate post.

At worship last Sunday, one of my brothers shared a devotional thought before communion that really moved me. He is a counselor and shared from his experience working with traumatized people.

Trauma leaves people to deal with three things, he said.

The trauma itself,
One’s feelings about the trauma (if one can dig deep enough to find them), and
The trauma messages (or narratives) that get coded into one’s thinking.

He said that last one is the hardest to deal with because the narratives sre deeply embedded. They includes“I am” statements such as:

“I am worthless”
“I am ashamed”
“I am damaged”
“I am hopeless”
“I am less than”
“I am a failure”
“I am unloved”
“I am trapped”
“I am numb”
“I am alone”
“I am lost”

He went on to say that when we allow God into our trauma, He will replace the trauma narratives with His narrative – if we allow Him to.

As the Great I AM, He is able to replace any and all of my “I am” narratives with His far superior “I am” narratives. His narratives for me include statements like:

“I am loved!”
“I am forgiven!”
“I am redeemed!”
“I am clean!”
“I am found!”
“I am free!”
“I am a new creation!”
“I am His!”
“I am enough!”

I’ll confess that when started recovery just over three years ago, I thought I was stuck with my narratives because they were my narratives. Little did I know or understand that by allowing God in and surrendering control of my narratives He would replace them with His.

I’m still far from perfect here, but making significant progress. His narratives fun through my head far more often these days than my old, trauma narratives.

Just another case of “Let go and let God” in action.

If you have questions or just want to know more about how this worked for me, you can reach me at jacobtheaddict@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading.

Blessings, Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

When Jacob Met Jade

My name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex addict. I’ve been sober for a little over 18 months.

Recovery from addiction entails investigating and unearthing the whats, whys and whos of one’s life. What happened, what impact those things had, why they had the impact they did and who was involved and/or impacted.

In this process, it can be helpful to revisit, though not relive, particularly significant acting-out episodes. Some of these episodes involve addictive behavior that borders on the insane. Yet there can be a lot to learn from those events. Care must be taken, however, lest the remembering and revisiting become triggering.

The story of my involvement with Jade is one of the most significant and saddening episodes of my addiction. I share it here because its telling may give me freedom from the shame I still carry. No one has ever heard the full extent of this story. I guess this is a practice run for ultimately sharing it with my sponsor.

I met Jade through one of my best friends from college. Tom (not his real name) and his wife Traci (not her real name) had invited me to spend the weekend at their home in a city several hundred miles away from mine.

I left work early on a Friday and drove the six hours or so to get to their place. We had arranged to meet for dinner at a particular restaurant when I hit town. When I saw Tom and Traci, there was an unexpected third person with them. Seems that they had arranged a surprise blind date for me with a friend of theirs named Jade (not her real name).

While a surprise blind date arranged by a college friend may sound titillating, I had absolutely no attraction whatsoever to Jade. She was average in most every way. Not pretty, not shapely, not vivacious – nothing. As I recall, she was skinny and waif-like and had crooked teeth. But, not wanting to be rude or a party pooper, I accepted that she was to be my date for dinner.

After leaving the restaurant, the four of us went by Jade’s house (she lived with her parents), where she picked up some clothes. Somewhere along the way, I learned that she, too, would be spending the night at Tom and Traci’s house. And, yes, I was so naive that I could not see what was being arranged.

We got back to Tom and Traci’s and all stayed up for a while. Maybe we watched a movie, maybe we drank a few beers, not sure. I do know that I wasn’t drunk, and whatever wits a twenty-something guy has, I had them about me.

Tom announced that he and Traci were going to bed, leaving Jade and me alone in the den. I don’t remember any conversation between us other than me saying: “I guess we’re sleeping in the same bed.” as a half-statement, half-question. She replied in the affirmative.

Still extraordinarily naive and unattracted to Jade, I got ready for bed. She changed into a cheap, flimsy nightgown. We got in bed and turned out the lights.

Let’s pause the story for a minute to reflect on a few things.

First, I had planned this trip to see Tom for a month or so and was eager to see him and Traci. So a surprise blind date was a bit frustrating.

Secondly, while not as pure as the driven snow and by no means a virgin, I was not in the habit of going to bed with women within a few hours of meeting them.

And third, there had always been some physical and/or sexual attraction involved in previous sexual encounters. Yet here I was, in bed with a total stranger I wasn’t even attracted to. And you are already imagining the rest of the story.

With a warm-blooded, available young woman lying next to me, it didn’t take long for male hormones to kick in. I guess every available lover looks good in the dark. What few clothes we had on were quickly shed and we went at it.

I was by no means an experienced lover, having been sexual with only a few women before Jade. She, however, knew her way around a man. From a purely sexual standpoint, it was amazing.

But 15 seconds after orgasm, all I wanted was to get away. Shame flooded over me like a river of raw sewage. I didn’t want her to touch me and edged as far away as possible. Thankfully, sleep came quickly, temporarily releasing me from the burden of guilt and shame.

When I woke up the next morning, Jade was still there. It hadn’t been a dream. I had sex with the complete stranger next to me. I could not wait to get in the shower and wash off every bit of filth I felt on me.

It would be great if the story ended here with me giving Jade a hug, saying some kind words about our time together, promising to write or call, then driving away. We could go straight to lessons learned. But that’s not what happened.

Tom and Traci had planned for the four of us to spend all day Saturday at a nearby amusement park. Jade was excited at the plan and telegraphed her pleasure at spending the day with me. I was not so happy and had to fake an entire day of acting like I enjoyed being with her.

After we finished at the park, I offered to make dinner, so we went to the grocery store to pick up what was needed. The four of us worked together on the meal and had a tolerable dinner.

After dinner, we probably watched a movie, and drank a few beers. Then Tom and Traci went to bed and Jade and I repeated the previous night’s sexual escapade. The result? More shame. More filthy feeling. More guilt.

As I look back on that second night, it was almost robotic. Go to bedroom. Turn off lights. Take off clothes. Get in bed. Have intercourse. Ejaculate. Feel shame. Pull away. Go to sleep. No emotion. No attachment. No closeness. Just virtually anonymous sex. And shame.

When Sunday morning came, I again wanted nothing but to take a shower and try to get clean. To scrub every touch, every kiss, every act, every vestige of Jade from my body.

When I finished my shower, I couldn’t pack my suitcase fast enough. I just wanted to be gone. After thanking my hosts and fumbling through some placating words to Jade, I made my exit. I could not wait to get away and get home. I left Jade behind, but the shame made the trip home with me.

For a good many years, I kept that episode stored away as a somewhat gross and sleazy, yet amazing, sexual encounter. It was a notch on my bedpost – a conquest – just not one I talked about with anyone. Including Tom, who was as aware as anyone could be about the whole affair.

The only exchange Tom and I ever had about the issue was just before the next trip to see him a few months later. I asked him if he could guarantee that I wouldn’t see anyone I didn’t want to see. I couldn’t even speak to him about it or mention her name. His response to my comment was loaded. Something like: “Yeah, Traci and I had to cut ties with her. Things got a little too close.” Certainly enough to make one think.

So, that’s it. My most sordid tale. The most shameful episode in my life. With that story told, I’m hopeful that I can let go of the shame.

Now for some lessons learned. Until I started recovery, my thoughts about the incident were all focused on me. Here’s a sample:

I can’t believe I had sex with a total stranger. I don’t even know her last name.
I can’t believe I had unprotected sex with her. She could have gotten pregnant or I could have gotten an STD.
She wasn’t even pretty. Certainly not up to my standards.
There was no emotional connection. Just sex.

But after beginning recovery and starting work on the 12 Steps (especially Step Four, the fearless moral inventory), my thoughts have changed:

What happened to my moral values? Why would I abandon them all in a heartbeat for anonymous sex? I didn’t resist at all.
I used another human being solely for my own pleasure and then discarded her. In today’s vernacular, I “ghosted” Jade. Never again spoke to or about her.
What trauma had Jade experienced in her life that led her to the place where she gave herself away for sex with a stranger? Was it the only way that she could gain a man’s attention? What pain was she trying to cover up?
How did it feel for her to be discarded by yet another man after he’d taken what she had to offer and left? How many other men used her the way I did? Don’t get me wrong, she was the initiator and an active participant in the sexual escapade. But I greedily took what she offered and gave nothing but a cold shoulder in return.
Was she, like me, using sex as an empty substitute for the love she never got from her father or mother? Was she seeking comfort or validation or anything that felt remotely like love and acceptance? If she was, she didn’t get anything like that from me.
How could I have done what I did to a young woman who was made in the image of the God I serve? Regardless of where she had been or what she had done to that point, she was a daughter of God. And I violated her.
What scars did my rejection of everything but her sexual favors leave on her? Where did life take her after I was done with her? Where is she now? Was she able to break free and get healthy?
Can I reach a place where I can be free of the shame from that event?

This has weighed in my mind a lot lately. I’ll get past the shame with God’s help. I know that He’s forgiven me, but I must still work through the aftermath. I’m thankful that He’s given me eyes to see the damage I left in the wake of my addiction. I’m thankful that He’s helping me develop empathy for those I hurt along the way. What I see and feel is not pretty or enjoyable, but it is a necessary part of dealing with what I’ve done.

As always, thanks for visiting. And thanks for listening to this – the ugliest part of my story. It has been cathartic to get it out.

Blessings, Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Step Four … Finally

(Note to Readers: I wrote this post in August of 2023 but never posted it. I’m posting now, so that I can follow up with an update on my progress.)

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been in recovery for about 20 months and sober a little longer than that.

As is the norm, it’s been a while since I have posted a out my step work. I could give you a million reasons, but then that’s what addicts do. They give you excuses for why they aren’t focused on important things.

I posted about finishing Step Three back in October. So that we stay on the same page, I’ll remind you that Step Three says:

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Since that post, I’ve been working Step Four, which reads:

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

It took me well over six months to finish Step Four for a number of reasons:

Recovery fatigue. Even at a relatively easy pace, recovery takes A LOT OF TIME. One or more meetings per week, group therapy every week, individual therapy every other week, making phone calls, journaling, meeting with my sponsor, being a sponsor to others. Note that “step work” wasn’t in that list, because it is on top of all those other things. So, sometimes I just need a break, and step work is usually what gets put off.
The REST OF LIFE. Recovery is extremely important but it can’t be the only thing in life for me. I have a family. I have a job. I have other obligations. And I’m trying to rebuild a life with Amy. Finding the balance isn’t easy, but these other things have to get their share of me.
Step Four is HARD. Maybe this is the real reason it took me so long to work through Step Four. The work that is required is very, very difficult to do. A “searching and fearless” review of one’s life isn’t for the faint of heart. Deep reflection on the moral failures of life is very easy to put off. More about that in a bit.
I’m a perfectionist. Many addicts are. I don’t want to say I’m done with and Step until I’m certain that my sponsor, Dan, will give me a “100” on it. That’s not the way the Steps work, by the way. It’s just how I approach nearly everything in life.

In spite of the competing priorities, in spite of the excuses and all the other reasons I can come up with, I made it through Step Four several months back.

I “made a searching and fearless moral inventory” of myself. I know it’s incomplete. My sponsor and my fellows tell me that I’ll revisit Step Four many times in the future. Each time a previously unidentified “defect of character” rears its ugly head, I’ll need to do a Step Four on it.

There are many ways to work the steps, and at least as many guidebooks are there are methods. The one that I’m using is “A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps” by Patrick Carnes, PhD. Carnes himself is a recovering addict – one of the same stripes as me – so he knows a thing or two about the Steps. But don’t let the title fool you. Don’t think “gentle” means “easy’. The soul work required for Step Four isn’t an easy thing to do, but Carnes provides a gentle a way as possible to do it.

Some methods have the traveler (my favorite term for an addict on this journey) make a list of everything they’ve ever done wrong. The piece(s) of candy they pilfered when they were six, the time(s) they cheated on a test, the time(s) they slept with a stranger, the time(s) they drove drunk, the underreported income on income tax returns, the pills they stole form others, etc. – plus all the lies they told to cover these things up.

However, Carnes doesn’t take that approach. He goes much deeper than what specific things I did wrong. He truly goes after “defects of character”. He had me go through: anger and the misuse thereof, avoidance of responsibility, paralysis by fear, unhealthy risks and self-sabotage, shameful incidents, feelings of unworthiness and more. Carnes also makes you pause to reflect on positive expressions of anger, healthy risks taken and conquered fears. This helps the process from becoming overwhelming.

I think the “make the long list” method would have been easier. That list could have been made with only a minimal amount of shame. Digging into the drivers behind the moral failures is much more difficult and mentally exhausting work. Each time I went back to the workbook, more examples of the real issues came to light.

But Carnes’ method makes the traveler confront these defects of character and see how anger was used to manipulate others, how the taking of risks impacted more people than just me, how self-sabotage killed so many relationships and hurt the other party, and how shame is such a repetitive cycle.

I can honestly say the Step Four was more than just an exercise for me. It made me face my “defects of character” which are now much more obvious to me and are now accompanied by a willingness to face them. That means acknowledging them when they rise up and admitting that I’ve wronged someone when necessary.

It’s gonna take a whole new way of living to overcome these. The kind of living that only God can make possible.

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Step Two

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my last post. I’m past one year of sobriety.

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged here. Things have been busy, crazy, enlightening, sad, joyful, stressful … all in all, remarkable. The past year has been the best worst year of my life. There is so much to share, but today I’m going to focus on Step Two.

If you recall, it took me a long time to get to Step One, powerlessness. Admitting that I’m powerless over this addiction took accepting that admitting powerlessness wasn’t a cop-out or a “hall pass”, i.e. “I’m powerless over this, so why even try to stop?” It’s far more than that.

It’s about admitting that my attempts to control the things in my life and deal with this addiction have resulted in disaster. Powerlessness is about surrender. Giving up control. Admitting that my attempts have been unable to control anything.

If I’m powerless to fix this or deal with my addiction, now what? Where’s the hope? Is there any? Or am I just doomed to live a self-destructive life?

Step Two of the Twelve Steps speaks directly to this:

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

I’ve read that the definition of insanity is “doing the same things over and over, expecting a different result”. That also defines addiction. Doing over and over things you don’t want to do, each time expecting that thing to “fix it”.

With powerlessness comes an understanding that I can’t fix it. It’s going to take a Power greater than me to affect any real change in my life. It’s that simple.

I believe in God. Always have. I responded to “the invitation” when I was 12 years old and was baptized for the remission of my sins.

Actually, I was terrified of Hell and wanted to escape God’s wrath. I knew right from wrong and realized that I had sinned, violating God’s holiness. I knew I needed saving. But I knew nothing of a real relationship with God. After all, how do you have a relationship with an angry, distant Being who finds pleasure in striking sinners dead?

So, while I’ve always believed in God, I’ve never really known Him. And I’ve never really trusted Him, other than to destroy me if I stepped out of line. I’ve been afraid of Him all my life.

Step Two says that I will come to believe that God can restore me to sanity. I firmly believe that God can do ANYTHING. I have always believed that. The problem for me, however, has always been “why would He do something for ME?”

That makes Step Two all about TRUST. Trust that a Higher Power will do something for just for me, something that I can’t do for myself. It means trusting God, when I’ve been unable to really trust anyone in my life.

The step workbook I’m using asked me to list all the people in my life that was able to trust in my formative years. The prompts suggested the following categories: parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, teachers, coaches, ministers, etc. I pondered that question for hours and the list I came up with consisted, in its entirety, of only three people: my two sisters and my high school English teacher.

Just those three. Mom was unpredictable. Dad was absent. My aunts and uncles were dysfunctional. My minister was judgmental. My Boy Scout Leader was an escaped Nazi war criminal. There was no one else I could go to.

So I stuffed my fears, frustrations and anxieties and started looking for love – in all the wrong places, it seems. Looking for someone to soothe my inner pain and make me a whole person. And when a woman was not available, porn and masturbation filled the void.

As I’ve mentioned, that approach didn’t solve any problems and made things much worse. My life had truly become unmanageable.

So, now I’m faced with the reality that I need God more than ever ( actually, I’ve always needed Him this much; I just wouldn’t see it). How do I trust Him enough now to let him help me?

As I’ve written previously, I’ve come to understand that God loves me because of Who He Is and not because of who I am or am not, or what I do or don’t do. With an understanding of His unconditional and unrelenting love, I think I can do it. I now find myself wanting a relationship with Him, rather than trying to run away and hide.

It’s been a long road, but I now firmly believe that God can and will restore me to sanity. It’s not something I can do for myself. I now see Him working in every facet of my life. From the insight He has given me into what makes me tick, the many fellow travelers that He has placed in my life and the daily help of His Spirit to stay away from addictive behaviors, He is changing me.

And I haven’t even gotten to Step Three! That will be the subject of my next post.

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

A Quick Update

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober a little over eight months.

Thus far in my recovery, I’ve collected a lot of “nuggets” of recovery wisdom from the guys in my Twelve-Step Program. Some are from guys who have been in the program for years and some are from guys who are brand-new at this thing called recovery.

Anyway, these “nuggets” have meant a lot to me and I hope they will be valuable for you. I’ve added them to a “page”, rather than a “post”, since I’ll be updating them as I hear new ones. The page is linked in the main menu in the upper right. But you can also find it here:

Nuggets of Recovery Wisdom

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Moving Readings – Part II

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober almost eight months.

This is the second departure from telling my story to share a reading that has meant a lot to me. This one, too, is from Sexaholics Anonymous (https://sa.org), and can be found at https://www.sa.org/solution/.

The Solution

We saw that our problem was three-fold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three.

The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it meant “drying out” and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust.

We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn’t kill us, that sex was indeed optional! There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to God and others.

All this was scary. We couldn’t see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.

The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.

As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our “drug.”

Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our own wrongs. At each amends more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.

We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home.

I hope this resonates with you as it did me.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Moving Readings – Part I

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for almost eight months.

I’m taking a break from my story for the next two posts to share with you the two most profound readings I’ve encountered in my recovery. Both come from Sexaholics Anonymous and can be found on their website at https://www.sa.org/solution/. If they come after me for reposting their document, I’ll leave you with the URL.

The first one is called “The Problem” and is included here exactly as it appears on the SA website.

The Problem

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected—from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. “Please connect with me and make me whole!” we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the “chemistry,” the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

From https://www.sa.org/solution/

I hope this resonates with you as much as it did with me.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Deconstructing My Faith – Part II

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. I’ve been sober a little over seven months.

Picking up where I left off last time …

My old faith stood in the way of my getting to powerless. That’s because it was a self-righteous faith. The kind the Pharisees had. You know the Pharisees, right? The only humans on the face of the earth Jesus took to task. The religious folks. That ought to tell us something about how God views self-righteousness.

Deconstructing my faith worked like this. I imagined that everything I believed was hung on my “Pegboard of Faith”, each on its own hook. I took each tenant of faith off the pegboard and placed it on a table in my mind. Every one of them. Now, I’m picking up those pieces, one at a time, and looking closely at them.

I’ll pick one up and roll it around with my fingers so I can see all sides of it. Then I’ll put it down and pick up another. I haven’t thrown any of them away yet. I need more time to reflect on them.

So far, only two things have gone back up on the Pegboard of Faith. And I’m not sure either one of them was up there to start with. I think both of them have come to me since I started recovery. And here they are.

First, God loves me because of Who He is, not because of who I am or am not – or what I do or don’t do. He loves me because that’s Who He Is. I can’t change a single thing about God’s love for me. It simply is. That doesn’t give me a free pass to do anything I want, but it does mean that I can’t escape His love.

Second, Jesus came to earth to do for me what I could never do for myself. He died to set me free. My death will simply be justice for the sins I’ve committed against God, myself and others. Jesus’ death, however, paid the price of my rebellion and restored me to life.

That’s it. Just those two things on my Pegboard of Faith. Plenty of things on the table to be looked at over time. But for now I rest assured that God’s love for me cannot be extinguished and that the blood of Jesus restored me to life.

Now, what’s on the table? Here are a few things to consider:

Should women be allowed to wear pants to church?
Should a church have any kind of images inside or outside the building?
Can a church support orphans’ homes?
Is it OK to worship with a piano? How about a guitar? An electric guitar? Drums? How about a fog machine?
Can a church have just one pastor? Or should it have a plurality?
Is full immersion baptism the only way to be saved?
Can a church have a praise team or must it be a single worship leader or songleader?
Does the name of the church you attend matter?
Is taking the Lord’s Supper required every week or only on certain days?
Is the multitude of denominations acceptable to God?
Is Wednesday night attendance required?
Can women preach? Or make announcements in church?
Should a church have a kitchen?
What about Sunday School? Is it OK or is it an abomination?
Is it OK to use anything other than the King James Bible?
Can communion bread have salt in it?
Is an “invitation” or “altar call” required at every service?
Must a church have pews or are chairs OK?
Can giving to a cause other than your local church be counted as part of your tithe?
If I say “$@!?%” and get hit by a truck before I can ask forgiveness, am I going to Hell?
Can a divorced person be saved?

There’s a very short sample of the things I’ve heard folks turn into doctrine over the years. Some of those made it into my thinking and I’m glad to have them down on the table where I can see them. I already know what I’ll do with some of those, but others will take a bit longer to come to a certain answer.

But I do know that, even if I don’t get all of them right, the blood of Jesus still makes me whole. That’s already been permanently affixed on the Pegboard of Faith.

Thanks for reading.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

OK, I’m Finally There

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my very first post.

I’m hoping this is the last time I’ll write about getting to powerless. But I need to share my final inventory with you. Or, perhaps better said, the case I’ve been building against myself.

And here it is. The list of things I’m powerless over.

The dysfunction in my family of origin.
The addictions and abuses of other members of my extended family.
The codependency I developed with my Mother.
The pain caused by my Dad’s emotional absence.
The hurt I carried away from my home life.
The feeling that I’m “less than” … less than just about everything.
The drive to prove myself over and over and over again.
The addiction I turned to to numb the pain I’ve felt for so very long.
The constant acting out, swearing to myself and to God that I’d never do it again, then returning to that behavior in short order.
The long list of broken, dysfunctional relationships I had before I met Amy.
The hurt and betrayal that I’ve caused my dear wife, Amy,
The harm that I’ve caused to others who were objects of my addiction or were victims of collateral damage.
The emotional harm I’ve caused my kids by my failure to be present in their lives.
The numbness I feel from day to day.
The anger and rage that lies buried deep inside.
Sin.

And then, there’s the acceptance that my life is unmanageable. Here are a few clues that might be the case.

I lost touch with my God; how long ago, I cannot say.
I lost touch with Amy, my soulmate, a long time ago.
I lost touch with my adult children.
I lost touch with the few friends I have.
I all but lost touch with my siblings.
I lost touch with my church family.
I let this addiction take over my soul, reaching the point that I don’t care what might happen.
The only thing I never really let get out of control is my work, and the fact that is true proves I’m messed up.

So, that’s the case Jacob the Sane presents against Jacob the Addict.

The prosecution rests its case, feeling it has proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Jacob the Addict is powerless and is living a life that is unmanageable.

Men and women of the jury, what say ye?

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

I Think I’m Powerless

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. By the grace of God, I’m still sober.

My last post was about “powerless-ness” and how hard it is for me to get there. But I think I’m almost there.

Recently, I was listening to my sponsor talk about his past (“telling his story” – an important part of the realization and recovery process) and a great deal of what he said resonated with me.

He talked about how many times in his life he had purchased pornography (magazines, movies, etc.), used them for self-gratification, then destroyed them all, swearing he’d never do it again. Then find himself at the magazine shop or video rental place buying more.

Last time, I gave you a list of the evidence in the case I’m building against myself related to being powerless over this addiction. When I made that list, I had not even considered what Dan was talking about.

I cannot begin to count the number of times in my life that I’ve done exactly the same thing: bought magazines or movies, downloaded images, watched online porn, etc., “used” them, then destroyed them (or the browsing history leading back to them), swearing that THIS would be the last time.

Then a few days later (hours, sometimes), find myself desperately trying to find the same material I had just destroyed.

I’ve tried willpower, web filters (with a friend serving as my “parent”), accountability partners, encouraging notes to myself, scripture, “white knuckling it” – you name it. And nothing has ever kept me clean. NOTHING.

Now, my prayers for forgiveness immediately following acting out have almost always been genuine. I’ve asked the Lord to “create in me a new heart” so many times that He knows what I’m going to say long before I approach Him (He does anyway).

My point is this. Each new personal discovery, or challenge to remember the past, or hearing of a fellow addict’s story helps me understand even more how futile my effort to stay clean has been. If I’ve tried for decades to beat this and have only managed to get deeper in this hole I’ve dug, then I must certainly be powerless over it.

And, by the way, the “it” in my case is pornography and sex with self, but the more general term is “sin”.

I am therefore POWERLESS over sin, regardless of how it manifests itself within me. I am powerless over this addiction to sex, regardless how it may present itself at any particular time.

I need help from God Himself to change anything about me or this addiction. He is my only hope of becoming a whole human being, one that is useful to Him. I’m glad I can finally say that and really mean it.

Thanks for reading.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)