Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for just over two years.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting recently on the dualistic nature of the life/lives I used to live. Said more simply, there were always two of me. One public, one private.
Even my mother would tell me that there were two of me, given that I was born a Gemini (the zodiacal constellation of The Twins, Castor and Pollux). Mom wasn’t into astrology, but found some of it interesting.
She would tell me that there were two boys inside me: one happy and one sad. I don’t know if that contributed to the development of my dualism, but that dualism certainly developed. There were indeed two of me: one happy, one sad. Her acknowledgement of that probably allowed me to determine that the dualism was acceptable and normal.
I was in my 30s when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but once that diagnosis was made, I realized that I had been depressed since childhood. Maybe depression initiated my dualism. Whether it did or not, learning that I was clinically depressed helped explain a lot of what happened during my high school and college years.
The things that may have contributed to my depression will be a topic for a future post so we can stick to the dualism that became part of me.
What started out as a struggle between the happy and sad boys inside of me progressed over time into a battle between the “good” and “bad” sides of me. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, if you will.
Having been raised in church since infancy, I knew what “good” and “bad” looked like. I tried to do all the right things to be “good”, but never felt good enough. Never good enough to be worthy of anyone’s love – especially that of an angry God.
And I so if you aren’t worthy of God’s love anyway, what harm is there in doing “bad” things, as long as they feel good at the time? And so began the dualistic life I led.
From the outside, I had it all together. Good raising. Good education (graduated Summa Cum Laude, I might add), successful career, loving wife, beautiful family. Strong leader, handsome, charming.
But on the inside, I was never good enough. In fact, I knew I was bad. There was always pornography and masturbation – and then the accompanying shame. There was objectification of and fantasy about every woman I ever laid eyes on – and shame. When I hit college, I discovered real live women as sex partners – not just images on a page. Those were thrilling – and intensely shameful – times.
But the “good” side of me tried to be even better. I was in church “every time the doors were open”. My dad had been a song leader in our church from the time I was born and he trained me to be the same. So, I often led worship in whatever church I was attending at the time.
And then I would go home, act out in some way and wallow in shame. That pattern persisted all through college and my single years – about 15 years total.
A single example from that era of my life will highlight my dualism. For a brief period, I was engaged to Marsha (not her real name; more about her in a future post). Our supposed “forever” relationship was purely sexual. There was no real relationship there. I didnt know it yet, but this was where and when my inner sex addict really took over.
We would go about our sexual flings on Saturday nights, then both get up Sunday morning and drive to a small church in a nearby town, where I was filling in as a song leader. Marsha’s hair would still be wet when we arrived at church, from our dragging ourselves out of bed at the last possible moment to get ready and be there on time.
Yep, I was a leader and a role model in that church, as well as the one we attended otherwise. All the while banging a woman who was not my wife – and with whom I had no real relationship. It might as well have been a hooker/John relationship. She lived with me, I bought her nice things and took her nice places. I just never paid her in cash.
But once I settled into that dualism – and didn’t get caught – it became the norm. Sleep around, do whatever I wanted, then show up at church in whatever leadership role I was assigned at the time. Well respected, well liked, probably envied by some for how “together” I was.
When I met and married Amy (not her real name), I left that all behind me. After all, being married and in a holy relationship, rather than a lascivious one, I would have legitimate access to all the sex I wanted and no longer need/want the things from the “bad” side of me. Or so I thought.
Like all recovering sex addicts, I now laugh at how naive I was. Because that’s not how life works, nor will addiction simply go away.
My resolve to stay “clean” lasted a year or two and then I was back at it. I stayed physically faithful to Amy, but spent most of my time in a world of fantasy, filled with pornographic images and ruminations about other women.
To compensate, my public self became even more righteous. In addition to leading worship, I became a deacon in my church. I taught Bible class for 15 years or more I eventually served on the leadership board of my church. I counseled younger men on avoiding pornography.
But the harder I tried to be “good”, the stronger the “bad” urges became. Or maybe vice versa. But the dualism progressed. I crossed boundaries I told myself I’d never cross. I engrossed myself in types of pornography I thought I’d never want to see. And I was very close to leaving the “private” dualism I was engaged in for a more “public” variety. In simpler terms, I was about to find other women with whom to act out.
Praises be to the God Who Loves Me, because the conscience that I thought was long since dead came to life and, in a moment of clarity, I disclosed my duality to Amy and told her what I was involved in. That began my recovery journey – a story you can read about in my other posts.
Putting the two halves of me back together has been a difficult journey to date. And it will take continued vigilance for the rest of my days to remain whole. But living one life is much, much simpler and far richer than trying to live two dialectically opposed lives.
As always, thanks for reading. My prayer is that this might help someone who is struggling with a similar problem.
Blessings, Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)
Jacob The Addict 