Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for over two years.
While not regularly by any means, I’ve tried to share some of my experiences in recovery. My hope is that someone else who may be in a similar spot may find hope and encouragement in what I share.
I’ll confess up front that this post is not particularly encouraging or hopeful. But I think it accurately reflects a step in the recovery process.
Today, I feel almost like I’m back at the beginning, when I disclosed to Amy (not her real name) my lifelong addiction to pornography and sex.
As is often said among those in recovery, when I disclosed, I vomited up all of the disgusting and poisonous stuff inside me and immediately felt better. But, as with actual vomit, that putrid and nauseating sh*t landed somewhere. And the landing place, of course, was Amy. By the time I was done, she was covered in it. I felt better; she felt sick.
And thus began the two-year journey that’s brought us to here.
As I said above, I’ve been clean and sober for two-plus years. I’ve learned how to do without pornography and compulsive masturbation. I’ve learned to better control my thoughts and avoid objectifying every woman I see. (If you are unfamiliar with the term “objectification”, it simply means looking at women purely as sexual objects and imaging what kinds of sexual things I could do with them.) I’ve learned how to be present in life. I’ve learned how to stay engaged and express my thoughts and feelings in difficult conversations. “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.” Well, mostly.
I’ve said it before, but I’m dealing with sex and love addiction. It would be easy to simply stop and say that I’m a sex addict. But it’s harder than that. My core issue is a deep-seated need to be loved. By the way, you have that same need, you just probably found the love you need in a healthy way. I never did find the deep kind of love that satisfies that need, so I turned to sex as a substitute.
If a woman would have sex with me, then she loved me. You see, SEX=LOVE and LOVE=SEX. If she wouldn’t have sex with me, then that relationship wasn’t meant to be and I resumed my search for the next woman who would have me in her arms and in her bed. There were moments of intense pleasure along that path, but they never satisfied anything.
Recovery has helped me understand that, but some of those feelings still reside inside me.
I’ve heard it said that it takes a betrayed partner 2-3 times as long to recovery than the betraying partner. I’ve been at this for two years and, while I’ll never be rid of these feelings and urges, I have been successful at coping with them to date.
But Amy is still working through her feelings of betrayal. She’s made a lot of progress but still has a long way to go. She still doesn’t fully trust me. She’s still unsure if my recovery will “stick”. Those are valid concerns. I can never prove to her that I’ll never relapse. I’ll just have to keep accumulating sobriety and recovery one day at a time.
Since Amy still struggles with feelings of betrayal and lacks trust in me, it shouldn’t be a big shock to hear that sex with me is not a high priority for her.
Sex is a normal and natural part of the relationship between a man and a woman. But I’ve abused sex in the past and that leads to the situation Amy and I are in today.
And so we’re currently in a place where making love is an infrequent thing. And that leads me to feel unloved. It makes me question Amy’s love for me. It makes me feel inadequate and unloveable. It leaves me questioning our relationship. I leaves me very, very sad. And all of those are feelings that I numbed out with my drug of choice: pornography and masturbation.
Having turned my back on the unhealthy ways of dealing with difficult feelings and sexual frustration, I have no where to turn but Amy. And I believe that is God’s will for me, hard though it is to accept.
So what is the answer to this conundrum? I believe that it is twofold:
First, express my needs to Amy in a kind and loving way and allow her the time she needs to reach a point where she is comfortable with being sexual with me.
And, second, but most important, is to surrender all of my needs (not just sexual ones) to My Father in Heaven, Who is capable of meeting all of those needs, if I will but let Him. Let it be so, Father.
Thanks for reading.
Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)
Jacob The Addict 