Month: July 2023

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex addict. By the grace of God and the fellowship of my recovery group, I’ve been sober over almost two years.

Recovery is an ongoing process of examine one’s life and attempting to figure what drives thoughts and actions. It requires a lot of soul searching and reflection on a lot of painful truth.

In a recent conversation with my wife, Amy (not her real name), I was able to put into words much of what I’ve struggled with my entire life. Because it provides a catchy name, as well as an apt description, I am choosing to refer to what I’ve realized as “The Lie”.

The Lie sums up most everything I’ve thought, believed and lived my entire life. It drove my actions, damaged my self-worth, led me places I never thought I’d go and caused a lot of harm to others in my life.

While I can (and will) cite a number of groups, organizations, establishments and cultural factors as contributors to The Lie, The Lie itself is a creation of the Father of Lies.

You will know him by any number of names: Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Accuser, The Devil, Satan. While the Father of Lies is a spiritual being, he is more real than anything I’ll encounter in this life. He stands ready to deceive, accuse, condemn and destroy at any time by any means possible. He knows the things that I am and am not susceptible to.

He gave up long ago trying to destroy me with gambling. I see that as a tax on people who are bad at math. He gave up on alcohol. While I enjoy a good Irish whiskey, I cannot stand being drunk. He gave up on drugs. For some reason, that never tempted me. He gets close with money. That’s something I have to be very careful about.

But he was able to get me with The Lie. And The Lie is all about sex. That has always been my weak spot – my Achilles heel.

So, what is The Lie? It’s a lot of things that are difficult to explain. But I can share some specific things that The Lie wants me to believe:

• Sex is as necessary for life as oxygen.
• Sex is complete in and of itself. Love and commitment are loosely related but are certainly not required.
• Women are sexual objects. They exist to please men.
• Women are to be objectified and made the focus of my fantasies.
• I deserve more than I have. No, I am entitled to more. More sex. More exciting sex. More passion. A more attractive partner. A more willing partner.
• Sex is and should be the primary focus of the relationship between a man and a woman. It should occur at every possible opportunity.
• If my wife doesn’t want sex as often as I do, there is something wrong with her.

So, who is to blame for The Lie? Well, as I said above, the Father of Lies orchestrated it. And I am as guilty as hell in believing and propagating it. But he had/has a great deal of help in developing and maintaining it. Here are a few of the parties involved:

• Hollywood. Movies and TV shows show us images of a world that simply does not exist. The guy does not always get the girl. Men and women don’t have passionate sex all the time. Relationships are not always pretty. The people in our lives are not always trim, fit, drop-dead beautiful and sexual. But that’s what Hollywood feeds us. And movies that don’t perpetuate that image usually don’t do well.
• Madison Avenue. I’m not sure this term is used a lot these days. It used to be that all the major advertising firms were on Madison Avenue in NYC, just as financial institutions reside on Wall Street. At any rate, ad firms learned eons ago that “sex sells”. From clothing to pickup trucks to lawn mowers to fast food to razors, provocative and/or scantily clad women are used to promote EVERYTHING. “Buy this product and women like these will WANT YOU.”
• Novelists, Musicians and Artists. Just like Hollywood, novelists, musicians and artists tell us stories, sing songs and depict images of a perfect world where passionate, sexual relationships are the norm. The song or the story may be sad, but it’s about the passionate sexual relationships they either just lost or have been seeking their entire life.
• The “Adult” Film Industry. This one goes almost without saying. The “relationships” between men and women depicted in pornography signal that women are merely sexual objects and their existence is simply to do whatever pleases the man they are with. They depict sexuality in ways that are simply not normal. Now, there’s plenty of abnormal and deviant sexuality in hard-core pornography, but even “normal” pornography shows us a picture of sexuality that simply does not exist in healthy relationships.

This list is far from complete, but I hope it’s sufficient to paint a clear picture of what The Lie is. And how screwed up it leaves those who believe it. Taken to its extreme, The Lie tells us that life is about one thing: sex. And that we are entitled to do whatever it takes to get the type, quantity and intensity of sex we think we need.

By the grace of God and the help of my Twelve Step fellowship, I have come to understand The Lie and how deeply I fell for it. I am ashamed to have bought it.

But identifying The Lie, naming it and exposing it for the falsehood that it is gives me an opportunity to defeat it through the power of the Spirit of God.

I pray that you will see The Lie and be willing to do the holy warfare necessary to break free from it.

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)