Month: May 2023

My name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex addict. I’ve been sober for a little over 18 months.

Recovery from addiction entails investigating and unearthing the whats, whys and whos of one’s life. What happened, what impact those things had, why they had the impact they did and who was involved and/or impacted.

In this process, it can be helpful to revisit, though not relive, particularly significant acting-out episodes. Some of these episodes involve addictive behavior that borders on the insane. Yet there can be a lot to learn from those events. Care must be taken, however, lest the remembering and revisiting become triggering.

The story of my involvement with Jade is one of the most significant and saddening episodes of my addiction. I share it here because its telling may give me freedom from the shame I still carry. No one has ever heard the full extent of this story. I guess this is a practice run for ultimately sharing it with my sponsor.

I met Jade through one of my best friends from college. Tom (not his real name) and his wife Traci (not her real name) had invited me to spend the weekend at their home in a city several hundred miles away from mine.

I left work early on a Friday and drove the six hours or so to get to their place. We had arranged to meet for dinner at a particular restaurant when I hit town. When I saw Tom and Traci, there was an unexpected third person with them. Seems that they had arranged a surprise blind date for me with a friend of theirs named Jade (not her real name).

While a surprise blind date arranged by a college friend may sound titillating, I had absolutely no attraction whatsoever to Jade. She was average in most every way. Not pretty, not shapely, not vivacious – nothing. As I recall, she was skinny and waif-like and had crooked teeth. But, not wanting to be rude or a party pooper, I accepted that she was to be my date for dinner.

After leaving the restaurant, the four of us went by Jade’s house (she lived with her parents), where she picked up some clothes. Somewhere along the way, I learned that she, too, would be spending the night at Tom and Traci’s house. And, yes, I was so naive that I could not see what was being arranged.

We got back to Tom and Traci’s and all stayed up for a while. Maybe we watched a movie, maybe we drank a few beers, not sure. I do know that I wasn’t drunk, and whatever wits a twenty-something guy has, I had them about me.

Tom announced that he and Traci were going to bed, leaving Jade and me alone in the den. I don’t remember any conversation between us other than me saying: “I guess we’re sleeping in the same bed.” as a half-statement, half-question. She replied in the affirmative.

Still extraordinarily naive and unattracted to Jade, I got ready for bed. She changed into a cheap, flimsy nightgown. We got in bed and turned out the lights.

Let’s pause the story for a minute to reflect on a few things.

First, I had planned this trip to see Tom for a month or so and was eager to see him and Traci. So a surprise blind date was a bit frustrating.

Secondly, while not as pure as the driven snow and by no means a virgin, I was not in the habit of going to bed with women within a few hours of meeting them.

And third, there had always been some physical and/or sexual attraction involved in previous sexual encounters. Yet here I was, in bed with a total stranger I wasn’t even attracted to. And you are already imagining the rest of the story.

With a warm-blooded, available young woman lying next to me, it didn’t take long for male hormones to kick in. I guess every available lover looks good in the dark. What few clothes we had on were quickly shed and we went at it.

I was by no means an experienced lover, having been sexual with only a few women before Jade. She, however, knew her way around a man. From a purely sexual standpoint, it was amazing.

But 15 seconds after orgasm, all I wanted was to get away. Shame flooded over me like a river of raw sewage. I didn’t want her to touch me and edged as far away as possible. Thankfully, sleep came quickly, temporarily releasing me from the burden of guilt and shame.

When I woke up the next morning, Jade was still there. It hadn’t been a dream. I had sex with the complete stranger next to me. I could not wait to get in the shower and wash off every bit of filth I felt on me.

It would be great if the story ended here with me giving Jade a hug, saying some kind words about our time together, promising to write or call, then driving away. We could go straight to lessons learned. But that’s not what happened.

Tom and Traci had planned for the four of us to spend all day Saturday at a nearby amusement park. Jade was excited at the plan and telegraphed her pleasure at spending the day with me. I was not so happy and had to fake an entire day of acting like I enjoyed being with her.

After we finished at the park, I offered to make dinner, so we went to the grocery store to pick up what was needed. The four of us worked together on the meal and had a tolerable dinner.

After dinner, we probably watched a movie, and drank a few beers. Then Tom and Traci went to bed and Jade and I repeated the previous night’s sexual escapade. The result? More shame. More filthy feeling. More guilt.

As I look back on that second night, it was almost robotic. Go to bedroom. Turn off lights. Take off clothes. Get in bed. Have intercourse. Ejaculate. Feel shame. Pull away. Go to sleep. No emotion. No attachment. No closeness. Just virtually anonymous sex. And shame.

When Sunday morning came, I again wanted nothing but to take a shower and try to get clean. To scrub every touch, every kiss, every act, every vestige of Jade from my body.

When I finished my shower, I couldn’t pack my suitcase fast enough. I just wanted to be gone. After thanking my hosts and fumbling through some placating words to Jade, I made my exit. I could not wait to get away and get home. I left Jade behind, but the shame made the trip home with me.

For a good many years, I kept that episode stored away as a somewhat gross and sleazy, yet amazing, sexual encounter. It was a notch on my bedpost – a conquest – just not one I talked about with anyone. Including Tom, who was as aware as anyone could be about the whole affair.

The only exchange Tom and I ever had about the issue was just before the next trip to see him a few months later. I asked him if he could guarantee that I wouldn’t see anyone I didn’t want to see. I couldn’t even speak to him about it or mention her name. His response to my comment was loaded. Something like: “Yeah, Traci and I had to cut ties with her. Things got a little too close.” Certainly enough to make one think.

So, that’s it. My most sordid tale. The most shameful episode in my life. With that story told, I’m hopeful that I can let go of the shame.

Now for some lessons learned. Until I started recovery, my thoughts about the incident were all focused on me. Here’s a sample:

• I can’t believe I had sex with a total stranger. I don’t even know her last name.
• I can’t believe I had unprotected sex with her. She could have gotten pregnant or I could have gotten an STD.
• She wasn’t even pretty. Certainly not up to my standards.
• There was no emotional connection. Just sex.

But after beginning recovery and starting work on the 12 Steps (especially Step Four, the fearless moral inventory), my thoughts have changed:

• What happened to my moral values? Why would I abandon them all in a heartbeat for anonymous sex? I didn’t resist at all.
• I used another human being solely for my own pleasure and then discarded her. In today’s vernacular, I “ghosted” Jade. Never again spoke to or about her.
• What trauma had Jade experienced in her life that led her to the place where she gave herself away for sex with a stranger? Was it the only way that she could gain a man’s attention? What pain was she trying to cover up?
• How did it feel for her to be discarded by yet another man after he’d taken what she had to offer and left? How many other men used her the way I did? Don’t get me wrong, she was the initiator and an active participant in the sexual escapade. But I greedily took what she offered and gave nothing but a cold shoulder in return.
• Was she, like me, using sex as an empty substitute for the love she never got from her father or mother? Was she seeking comfort or validation or anything that felt remotely like love and acceptance? If she was, she didn’t get anything like that from me.
• How could I have done what I did to a young woman who was made in the image of the God I serve? Regardless of where she had been or what she had done to that point, she was a daughter of God. And I violated her.
• What scars did my rejection of everything but her sexual favors leave on her? Where did life take her after I was done with her? Where is she now? Was she able to break free and get healthy?
• Can I reach a place where I can be free of the shame from that event?

This has weighed in my mind a lot lately. I’ll get past the shame with God’s help. I know that He’s forgiven me, but I must still work through the aftermath. I’m thankful that He’s given me eyes to see the damage I left in the wake of my addiction. I’m thankful that He’s helping me develop empathy for those I hurt along the way. What I see and feel is not pretty or enjoyable, but it is a necessary part of dealing with what I’ve done.

As always, thanks for visiting. And thanks for listening to this – the ugliest part of my story. It has been cathartic to get it out.

Blessings, Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)