I Think I’m Powerless

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. By the grace of God, I’m still sober.

My last post was about “powerless-ness” and how hard it is for me to get there. But I think I’m almost there.

Recently, I was listening to my sponsor talk about his past (“telling his story” – an important part of the realization and recovery process) and a great deal of what he said resonated with me.

He talked about how many times in his life he had purchased pornography (magazines, movies, etc.), used them for self-gratification, then destroyed them all, swearing he’d never do it again. Then find himself at the magazine shop or video rental place buying more.

Last time, I gave you a list of the evidence in the case I’m building against myself related to being powerless over this addiction. When I made that list, I had not even considered what Dan was talking about.

I cannot begin to count the number of times in my life that I’ve done exactly the same thing: bought magazines or movies, downloaded images, watched online porn, etc., “used” them, then destroyed them (or the browsing history leading back to them), swearing that THIS would be the last time.

Then a few days later (hours, sometimes), find myself desperately trying to find the same material I had just destroyed.

I’ve tried willpower, web filters (with a friend serving as my “parent”), accountability partners, encouraging notes to myself, scripture, “white knuckling it” – you name it. And nothing has ever kept me clean. NOTHING.

Now, my prayers for forgiveness immediately following acting out have almost always been genuine. I’ve asked the Lord to “create in me a new heart” so many times that He knows what I’m going to say long before I approach Him (He does anyway).

My point is this. Each new personal discovery, or challenge to remember the past, or hearing of a fellow addict’s story helps me understand even more how futile my effort to stay clean has been. If I’ve tried for decades to beat this and have only managed to get deeper in this hole I’ve dug, then I must certainly be powerless over it.

And, by the way, the “it” in my case is pornography and sex with self, but the more general term is “sin”.

I am therefore POWERLESS over sin, regardless of how it manifests itself within me. I am powerless over this addiction to sex, regardless how it may present itself at any particular time.

I need help from God Himself to change anything about me or this addiction. He is my only hope of becoming a whole human being, one that is useful to Him. I’m glad I can finally say that and really mean it.

Thanks for reading.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)