Brokenness

Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. My sobriety date is unchanged since my last post.

If you know anything about 12-Step programs and the steps themselves, then you probably know that Step One reads like this (modified for sex addiction):

“We admitted we were powerless over sex addiction— that our lives had become unmanageable.”

That may seem like a pretty simple thing to do – admit that one is powerless over one’s addiction. But it’s not.

Human nature says that I can beat this if I just try harder. Never mind the fact that I’ve tried for decades to overcome this by myself, without success.

I’ve read self-help books on overcoming pornography and I’ve implemented their recommendations. Then I’ve white-knuckled through several years of not acting out, only to relapse.

I’ve had accountability partners that I’ve promised to check in with. And I’ve forgotten about them or misled them into thinking I was OK when I wasn’t – and relapsed.

Nothing has worked for more than one or two years. Eventually, the stress or the pain or the anger or the whatever gets bad enough that I return to my drug of choice.

You can probably read what I just wrote and say: “That sounds like ‘powerless’ to me.” But for me, saying I’m “powerless” feels like a cop-out. It feels like I’m looking for (or claiming) an excuse.

Part of my problem is that I was “raised in church”. I’ve gone to church since I was born. When I responded to the “invitation” or the “altar call” when I was 12, it was out of fear, rather than surrender.

For many years, I’ve tried to work my way into God’s favor. And most days, I felt like I was carrying about 60% of the load and just needed Jesus to “top me off” with the other 40%. That attitude is a long, long way from surrender.

I hate to say it, but my church upbringing actually stands in the way of my surrender in Step One. You see, I’m a pretty good person, all in all, and God is pretty lucky to have me on His team. Again, that is a very long way from surrender.

Thankfully, the work toward Step One requires serious reflection on all the things I’ve done, all the places I’ve been, all the times I’ve tried to stop my addictive behavior and all the times I, like the dog in Proverbs, have returned to the vomit.

Looking at the many situations I’ve written about in my step work, it becomes very obvious that there’s a dysfunctional pattern. And the weight of evidence seems to indicate that I’m unable to stop my acting out.

With that said, I’m getting closer to surrender every day. It’s a scary thought to finally yield my will to God’s, approach Him with empty hands and bowed head, and say “Lord, I got nothin’.” But as one of my readings said recently, its time for me to get out of God’s way and let Him lead me where He wants me. After all, He made me and knows how I’m wired.

When I get there, it will be the first time in my life I’ve truly surrendered my will to God’s. Its high time I stopped trying to control everything. After all, its quite easy to see what a fine job I’ve done in screwing things up til now.

May God grant me the humility to yield my will to His.

Best, Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)