Hi, I’m Jacob, a grateful, recovering sex addict. But you should know that by now.
When I first started therapy for my addiction, my therapist, Hank (not his real name), told me that he wanted me to attend 12-step meetings several times a week, in addition to individual and group therapy.
I immediately thought “Well, I’m better than that. Surely *I* don’t need to do a 12-step program.” Or maybe I should say: “My addict says I’m better than that …” Because the addict in me tells me all kinds of things that aren’t true.
I put off going to meetings for what seemed like a long time – probably two months. I looked around to see what 12-step programs were available in my area, but never would commit to attending a meeting.
I’m not sure what got me to the starting block, but I found a group that met via Zoom at a time that worked for me – or at least a time where I could not make sufficient excuses not to attend. Now, my house can be a bit busy sometimes and I certainly didn’t want anyone to overhear what I was involved in, so I took my headphones and my laptop out to the garage and joined the meeting online.
I had zero idea of what to expect. Certainly not that any meeting of this particular program that has a first-timer in attendance immediately becomes a newcomer meeting.
In a newcomer meeting, everyone tells their story of addiction and where they are in recovery … in detail … using words that aren’t used in polite company … calling private/secret things by their actual names … using words like “masturbation”, “stalking”, “prostitute” and “prison”.
To be completely honest (something I’m working hard to be), I was a bit shocked by some of the stories I heard. There were stories of time served in prison as a result of bad choices. Some had lost their spouses and/or families due to their actions. Others had been so deep in their addictions that they had lost jobs. Stories of obsession with sexual partners that spiraled out of control in various ways.
Yet, despite the great variation in the outcomes in the stories that were shared, the similarities were remarkable. All of us (yes, me included) struggled through life as “incomplete” people, with feelings of being “less than” or “worthless”. All had spent their lives trying to fill the emptiness they felt inside … with something … ANYTHING. The classic setup for addiction.
It took me a while to realize it, but the purpose of those disclosures was not to shock anyone, but to put the newcomer (me) at as much ease as possible. No matter what my story might be, I could rest easy that it was no worse than others present. A secondary purpose was to help me see that this was a judgment-free zone.
More on this later, but for now I’ll say it didn’t take long for me to realize that this was exactly where I needed to be. And that these people would become my friends and fellow travelers on an uncertain journey.
Until next time,
Jacob the Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)
Jacob The Addict 